I’ve never really been one of those people to get into a TV show. I could never understand how people could be so addicted to something that wasn’t real. I suppose my bias is because of Cece torturing us with Glee but I’ve recently taken interest in a show called American Horror Story. I heard a lot about it and was intrigued so I gave it a shot. I know a good portion of you have at least seen or heard of it but if you haven’t you should check it out. I watched tonight’s episode and for the first time I’ve understood the addiction people have. The people who get angry at the characters or cry with them as if they were real. Tonight’s episode was like watching my life in a way. I know what it’s like to stand before the girl you love and tell her you’ll leave her alone because you love her. I’ve swallowed my heart and put happiness on the line in order to make her happy. I’ve vowed to protect her from harm and meant it. I’ve felt that distant, harsh coldness and cried like a child wondering what I did wrong. I know what it’s like to feel broken…hopeless…and utterly confused as to why this girl that once couldn’t help but smile whenever she was with you suddenly look at you as if you were some sort of monster. It’s gut wrenching and the worst part is feeling like if you just disappeared they would be so much more happy. I don’t know how I feel about being able to relate to Tate so well. After all he did shoot up his high school. I guess it’s just that…I used to feel like such a weak person when it came to her. I felt like she was always saving me and finally she just got tired of me. But when I finally got help and had a long talk with Bullfrog about her he told me that a real man can look the woman he loves in the face and know when he has to let her go. I guess I feel stronger now that I’ve been able to move on with my life and let her do the same. I guess Tate is sort of doomed and I feel for him but at the end of the day if you truly love someone you’ll do whatever it takes to make sure they are happy, even if that means letting go. Some say love is tricky but in reality it really shouldn’t be. It should be simple. Maybe none of us really know love. Maybe love can’t be defined by one definition. Maybe it’s up to you to define it yourself.
It’s like no matter how hard I try to do the right thing I always end up hurting or disappointing someone. Mostly her. The bad thing is it seems like I NEVER do the right thing to please her. It shouldn’t matter so much to me anymore but even as friends I feel like I’m always going to be her biggest let down. I don’t know how to make her understand how I feel and when I try to think about putting what’s in my head into words it’s like I take too long and she gets upset with me. I’m trying. I really am. She has no idea how hard I’m trying but it’s not good enough. It never is. I watched her fight these feelings for this guy all summer and it never mattered how much it might break my heart to watch her be heartbroken over someone else. Not to her anyway. But I played the friend the best I could. I tried to make sure she never had to feel the loneliness I can’t ever seem to shake and even tried to get them talking again but it took almost making a mistake to make me realize something. I’m not in love with Clare Edwards anymore…at least not the girl she is now. You would think I would be relieved but honestly it’s a depressingly sad truth that I’m still trying to wrap my head around. How am I supposed to tell her that I spent the weekend with Cece trying to cope with the fact that I feel I’ve lost two girls to the chaos of this world? How am I supposed to be friends with someone who I will always feel like a burden to? I’ve talked to Adam, Fiona, both Cece and Bullfrog but even my therapist says there is no written guide to life. It just happens and you either make it work or get lost inside the chaos.
My therapist wanted me to write a letter to someone that’s been on my mind so I decided to pick you. Shocking, I know. I’ve become so predictable when it comes to you I suppose. I feel like so much has changed in just a week. This time just days ago we were barely speaking because you were afraid to admit letting yourself feel a certain way about me and now…well I haven’t heard anything from you. No texts, no emails, no calls. Not even a tweet. I’m not mad though. I guess you could say I’m a little bummed. The space we decided to take did the job it would seem. It gave you the time you needed to deal with your family stuff and I’m glad things worked out the way you wanted them to. I’m happy for you. I realize now I was sort of a comfortable side-buffer for you and it was just a misunderstanding as far as those feelings were concerned. I guess I just want you to know that no matter what happens or who you end up with that you deserve to be happy. Don’t ever settle on comfort or doubt. I thought I’d be at least bitter or saddened by this sudden change but your smile is the only thing that made it okay. As long as you’re smiling, I’m happy. I think it’s time I start working on my own smile. I wish you the best and hope you are happy and if you ever need to be found all you have to do is close your eyes and think of me…I’ll be there.
I’ve been staying so busy with this new story that I feel like I’ve neglected my friends but the moment I step out of the creative cage I’ve locked myself in I feel like I’m on a battle field. I’ve never been one of those people that felt the need to have a big group of friends. I’m kind of a loner so it’s worked out most of my life but after getting through a year at Degrassi and actually finding a few people that really made me feel like it was okay being myself, I left thinking that for once I actually belonged. I understand that I cant make people be friends or like one another but I also know that I will never please either of them. If only they knew how hard I am trying not to fall apart. I love being around them for different reasons and they always know how to make me smile but it’s like together I feel like the light they bring to my life separately is washed away by immediate darkness because of the feelings they have towards one another. If it came down to having to pick between the two I would have to walk away from them both because that’s not something I can have in my life right now. I want to be happy and the moment that I have these feelings of doubt and self loathing I need to walk away. If it were as easy as cutting everyone off and keeping myself locked up in my room I would but I made a promise to the one girl that surprisingly hasn’t brought any drama into my life since we’ve started our friendship and that girl I refuse to abandon. I just hope she can help me figure out how to sort out all these doubts in my head before I have to give up two people who I genuinely feel I need to truly gain completely happiness in my life.
I took fresh flowers up to Julia’s grave this morning. I find things to be the calmest in the early morning hours. I locked myself up in my room all weekend writing this new story so my sleep schedule is now all messed up but when I finally left my room and showered I had this energy to get out of the house and she was the first thing on my mind. I sat and talked for what seemed like forever. She always inspired me to express myself so I took my notebook with me and started jotting down things. Random things. Stuff for the story. Things about her. Things I needed to get done. I figured I would use the inspiration to write a journal. So far this summer has smoothed out from it’s rocky start. I’m keeping up with my sessions and making new friends. Making sure my old ones are okay and that things are home are stable. I feel like a normal kid these days. Well as normal as I can be. For the first time in a long time I wonder what things would have been like if Julia wouldn’t have died. How my life would be like and would I still have ended up falling apart. I don’t blame anyone or regret meeting the people I’ve met but she was such a big part of my life I just wonder what her life would have been like. Before, thoughts of Julia would have been too hard to handle but now I feel like I can finally think about her without falling apart. Though it saddens me she’s gone and I miss her dearly, thinking about all the trouble we would get into and how just holding her hand took my breath away. I guess what I will leave here saying is that I love you and I miss you and I hope you are proud of me.
As we get into this summer I want to build strong friendships to go into my senior year with without losing my old friendships which means bringing the two together. While I thought having Adam and Fiona together as just friends after everything that happened between them might be difficult it appears to have been the easiest part. Getting Clare and Imogen to be friends is pretty much unlikely but I would love to be able to hang out with the both of them in one sitting without any cat fights. I know that I only have myself to blame with using Imogen the way I did in order to get Clare back but if they only knew how great I think they both are individually maybe, just maybe they will suck it up for me and get along. I don’t want to have to choose between the two of them or hurt anyone’s feelings so I guess the only thing I can do is try and rebuild what I brokenly put together. I hope that tonight’s bonfire will give them a chance to actually get to know one another without me pitting them against one another. Even though they are insanely different people they actually do have a few things in common. Adam I’m sure will help me keep the peace to avoid any death matches but I really feel like this will be a good ice breaker. If we are all going to be hanging out this summer then I need to at least try and see if I can fix the mess I’ve created between the two.
I’ve seen people argue that the friendship between Clare, Adam and I isn’t a strong one and it’s kind of inspired me to explain what the term “Misfits” means to me. When I first came to Degrassi I wasn’t looking for anything but a fresh start. I always felt the concept of having a “Best Friend” was sort of cliche and overrated, especially in high school. The people you call your best friend can turn around and stab you in the back at any moment so why bother pulling people into your life and leaving yourself open to be exposed? I think when you are as young as we are all you want is to be accepted. You look to find your place among the herd and in a way we are all misfits looking for that place to fill in. Adam had secrets. Clare had secrets. I of course had secrets. We are all flawed and struggle and feel pain but at the end of the day we accepted those within each other. No matter what was going on whether it be between Adam and I or Clare and I we all knew that no matter what we cared about one another. We aren’t perfect. We never pretended to be. We are flawed, messed up kids who found each other along the way and If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing. We are growing up together and we still have a lot of things we will face but we will face them together. There is a little bit of misfit in us all. When you are sitting in a group of your friends and feel completely comfortable, flaws and all, THAT’S when you know you’ve found your group of misfits.
I thought after it all happened and I knew Adam was alright the feeling in my gut would go away but last night when I finally fell asleep I had a nightmare and the feelings surfaced with me this morning. Last night was…intense to say the least. I revisited a lot of feelings I hoped I never had to. When I saw that gun it was like the world had started to slow down and while everyone else was moving at rapid speed I was rooted to the ground. By the time the gun went off I couldn’t think at all. It’s like I was quickly sucked back into reality the moment I looked around and saw my best friend lying motionless on the floor. My whole world stopped. My heart feel into my stomach and my lungs refused to take another breath. When I ran to him and touched his arm I was relieved to see him finally moving but it’s what your senses pick up in moments like these that destroy you. Seeing my best friend cringe as he lay in a pool of his own blood, hearing him cry in pain and fear, feeling him shaking behind my grasp…they destroy you on the inside. Those are things you should never have to experience at our age. Last night I could have lost my best friend for the second time in my life and the thought alone is unsettling but it’s made me realize that time really IS critical. You never know when someone you love will get hit by a car or shot at a school dance. You have to live each and every day without regrets. We all make mistakes but if we stop living because of them then we aren’t living at all. I plan to start living each day focusing on the unlived life ahead of me rather then the mistakes I’ve made.